On My Own

I woke up early this morning to watch the sunrise, waiting for the good night phone call from Charlie. The time difference between Alaska and Florida and our different sleeping schedules mean I get up when he goes to bed. Despite knowing that we will no longer be "officially" a couple, we still do all the things a couple does. I think Charlie believes that if there isn't a title on things it will make my move to graduate school easier for him. It won't and I tell him that. And all he can say is "I don't know."


Neither of us know what to do. Our friends all have conflicting advice. We still say "I love you, "I miss you," "I can't wait to see you," and "Call me when you go to bed/get up." And this is how the summer will go. We will argue. A lot. Over things like whether or not the other has a "right" to be upset about something, because, after all, we aren't together anymore. But despite all the arguing, when we're together it's fun, and that is precisely why the whole summer is now ruined. I wish we didn't enjoy being together so much.

Whenever I go through something this gut wrenching and heartbreaking I go to extremes. Today I spent hours researching how to move to London. I've always wanted to live abroad, and when I want to hide from the world and avoid the devastating truths in my life I look for a place to flee to. I always turn to London, and for many reasons. The first being that it is an English speaking country, and the second being because it is where I went with my mother for the one year anniversary of my grandmother's death when I was 12. Like me, she didn't want to face the emptiness. Roundtrip tickets from Anchorage to London were on sale randomly, so with less than a months notice we booked our flight, got my paternal grandmother to come along, and off we went.


London is where I found Les Miserables. The greatest musical of all time, in my opinion. Although the character Éponine is far different in the musical than in the book written by Victor Hugo, she is my favorite and the one I seem to relate to...that or I just enjoyed the songs she sang more. Her solo, On My Own, quickly became one of my favorite songs. Éponine is headstrong and independent, both qualities I possess and admire in others. In the musical she is in love with Marius, but he does not love her, and despite this fact she gives her life to save his while at the barricades. It is the most beautiful scene in the whole musical. At last she lies in his arms, but at the cost of her own life, a decision she does not regret.


So here I sit with about 6 tabs open on my computer all with titles similar to "How to Move to England" and "American Expats in the UK." I'm looking into doing my internship abroad. England, apparently, has a shortage of counselors. It will be expensive. It will be fun. And if our economy continues to suck, I might just stay....