Super Sized Heartache

I had been either sleeping or sobbing the majority of the day, so when 10:30PM rolled around and I was about to faint from hunger I decided it was time to bring out the big guns. I did the only thing a girl with a broken heart could do: I went to Starbucks and got an iced venti skinny vanilla latte with lots of whipped cream and then headed to McDonald's where I got a two cheeseburger meal and was not at all hesitant to say "yes ma'am" when the girl at the window asked if I would like to super size my meal.

Normally, I am not an emotional eater. In fact, I am just the opposite. One year ago when we broke up the first time I started running twice a day. It was that break up that led me to start a new hobby and set a giant yet attainable goal: running a marathon. But today, I am all alone with no support nearby. I am free to wallow in self pity, sobbing intermittently between bites of cheeseburger and sips of coffee while watching wedding shows on WeTV. I am not worried about the grams of fat or calories I just consumed. My marathon training will quickly remove any traces of unhealthy eating from my body, and in time, it will remove the empty feeling that surrounds me now. It got me through the first break up, and it will get me through this one.

Charlie is my best friend. So our break up means I lose two people in one motion. "You chose this," he says again. We've been on the phone for almost an hour. No. I did not choose to lose you. That part was a natural consequence of accepting admission to Florida State for graduate school. A decision that he fully supported, but he now throws back at me in order to justify breaking up now instead of in August when I leave for school, forcing me to feel like the bad guy and now regretting my decision. He's mad at me. I was supposed to move to Florida in May, but my plans changed. I'm mad at him for being so callous and unloving. The tender man who pushed me to pursue my dreams now treats me as if the love we worked so hard for, can be tossed aside as if it were garbage. He tells me that is not the case, that he does love me, but that he cannot stay in a relationship that has an expiration date. I understand the logic behind his decision, but not all matters of the heart are logical.

I waited until we were off the phone to really let the full sobs out. Curled up in the fetal position on my living room floor, I hid my face in the sweatshirt I had on, so that the mixture of mascara and tears would not stain the light carpet as the tears rolled off my cheeks. It's 12:30AM now. I can't sleep. I don't really know if I want to. Dreaming with such a vulnerable heart can prove traumatic. The last thing I need is a fairytale where it all works out going on in my head, fooling my heart.

I know I will get over this. I'm not stupid. I know it takes time, that the world isn't over just because I'm sad right now. Like I always do in hard situations, I will pick up the pieces and carry on.